my grandma went to heaven

2nd July 2006 (Sunday):
Finally I have really settled down, in term of my wedding and my house, I hv a place to call my home with Chris. On this day, my mum's birthday, had a dinner with her and my dad, then dad say need to visit grandma coz aunt called to say grandma having some difficulties..Visited her at TTS yesterday and she look better, so without thinking much, we went to see her in AMK. She was breathing quite hard (with oxygen tank) and seems choked with phlegm, making her look very uncomfy, a home nurse were there to take care of her... we stayed around until 9plus to 10pm, then suddenly one of my uncle realised, how come she's breathing lesser n lesser.... we are all alarmed, nurse quickly check for her pulse, felt no more she said. We were so worried, calling doctor, relatives to gather there..tears begin to flow heart begin to ache. I told myself, how could that be, no way, just 2 weeks ago, she seems alrite, she even drank my tea from me n Chris, no way she's gg to leave us. But truth hurts, she indeed passed away. Right before our eyes, at least, she leave peacefully with her children at her side... Then i start to harbour silly thoughts, was it me and baby indirectly causes it? In chinese old myth, gettg married and further more i carrying a baby, I am consider "higher", "stronger force" in me than her... is it somehow me n my baby "force" were too strong for her causing her to leave us? For a moment, I self-blamed, if really the case, i wont able to forgive myself.... i shared the thoughts with Chris and my parents of coz, they said I was stupid to thinkk of tat. Nothing can be changed, grandma indeed aged and having illness..perhaps it's better to end her sufferings than to drag.
Next few days we prepared for the funeral and those ritual prayings. Baby Rayden were with me all along, not sure if he able to understand mummy's grieves. All this while, Chris were with me, so glad to have him around, at least for spritiual support...At work, no choice but i need to consumed my 3-day of compassionate leaves. Ironically, this year is indeed so eventful for me, i was planning to announce my bby's arrival to my colleagues but alas, went my grandma's news first. I need to hold on to announcing Rayden's existence for a while more, this is an inapproriate time